stain the page: when inspiration scares you

"let your dreams be big enough to scare you" ~arielle estoria

That's a quote from one of my favorite spoken word poets, in her poem, If I Could Tell You Anything.

But sometimes...it's really hard to do.

I skirt around the topics I’d rather not dredge up.  The things that I’d have to pull too far out of the ocean in order to get them to stay on the page.  I don’t want to turn out my heart that far. I don't want people to see. I don't want myself to see.

I’ve been doing it a lot lately.  I normally write based off of my most current emotions; the prominent joys and fears in my life at the moment.  Sooooo, when I’d rather not commit those to paper, I end up not writing very much.

Does inspiration...ever scare you?

Every time I sit down, I can only think of one thing to write.  And I refuse to write that thing down.  Because I’m scared of it. Or I think I’ve already spent enough time beating the topic to death and there’s nothing to do but just wait until my emotions move on to the next big thing.  Whatever the reason is, my reluctance to just accept the ‘inspiration’ that’s been given to me shuts everything down.  

Everything I write feels shallow and uninspired, ‘cause...it usually is. I basically just pulled it out of thin air and pieced some random, distant emotions together in place of what’s actually going on.  (That’s also the reason I almost never write poetry when I want to - only when I overflow.  Which is often enough that it’s not really a problem xD)

I’ve been thinking around this topic for a while now, but it just struck me harder than usual: what a blessing it is to be able to find inspiration in these emotions.  How valuable is writing those raw, real scenes that articulate my existence and remind others of their own?  

What am I missing by pretending the present isn’t here?

I want to start writing what’s real. Raw.  I want to write myself again, into everything I do.  Today’s Thanksgiving, and I’m thankful for words, thankful for even the present moments that feel too heavy to write down. I’m thankful for finding inspiration around me and of course, all the amazing people who love me and those who write with me.  

In the coming year, I’m going to try and give myself the opportunity to write what’s really there. I’m going to stop hiding from the emotions and ideas that feel a little too big to embrace head on.  I’m gonna dare to let those words stain my page.

Have you ever felt this way? What's keeping you from writing what's on your heart?