Monday, December 2, 2019

what i did, and what i didn't do (scotland 2019)

I've been back from Scotland for an entire week now, and I'm still trying to process the last five, incredible months – I'm sure I will be for a long time. If you read my last post, you'll know I'm a big fat liar. I most definitely did not turn this into a travel blog for the semester and write weekly posts to keep you updated. 

So I've been back from Scotland for an entire six months now.  The post I started writing (see above) wasn't really ever finished, haha. This blog hasn't seen a post in almost a year!  It was the kind of experience that makes you start fifty different descriptive sentences and delete them all. Which is what I've done. 

But mostly, it's been a year of living and experiencing things. Most of my writing has been offline, in a little leather journal that followed me everywhere. A long time after I first started to process my amazing time abroad, I finally wrote something for the Iowa Honors blog  (originally published here) ♥️

CM 1
Sunset on Calton Hill

what i did, and what i didn't do

They told me that when I was abroad, life back home would keep moving. That when I came home, I’d keep moving too.
Still, I was surprised at how quickly I got back into a routine after touching down in the Kansas City International airport. At how it only took a few days for the absence of the ocean to become normalised.  The Midwest eased back into my reality and Scotland returned to being a distant fantasy. But people said study abroad would fade as the weeks State-side increased; I wouldn’t believe them.  Four weeks removed from Edinburgh, and I still won’t.
fig 2
Seacliff Beach, near North Berwick
I got on a plane at the beginning of January 2019, ready for a semester of liberal arts courses in Edinburgh, Scotland. I left Iowa with a list of things I hoped to do. And I did a great many things while abroad (if the pictures in this post lead you to believe I actually lived on Arthur’s Seat, the giant hill between the city and the sea, you’re on the right track). But I think it’s important to begin by saying there were a lot of things I didn’t do in Scotland.
I didn’t write the novel I was hoping I’d write, though I had so much time to try. I didn’t do yoga every day, or make it to Wales to set foot in the land my blood comes from. I didn’t read all of Walter Scott’s novels, or the majority of Robert Burns’ poetry (I did, however, read one of his poems on the top of Arthur’s Seat just after midnight).
fig 3
Arthur’s Seat at Midnight
Of all the things I didn’t do in Scotland, some of them were harder to “not do”. Stress and fear—I began my semester filled with both of these, but as I kept going, they began to drain out of me. I spent the first few weeks on edge, feeling like I “wasn’t doing enough” until I remembered why I’d chosen to study abroad in the first place. I wanted to reflect! I wanted to watch myself exist in a new environment, one that was less demanding of my time, so that I could focus on the inside parts that really mattered.
For the first time in years, I had before me an extended amount of time that could be dedicated to quiet, inexplicable, adventurous things. My original goals were well-intentioned but for many of them, I soon realized, it wasn’t the right time at all. I was too busy living, too busy experiencing the very real world around me to even think about writing fiction, for example. I decided to remove the expectation of getting much writing done at all, and instead focus on living in the moment. Make art in the way I lived, and write about it later.
I suppose that’s what this is. The “writing about it” part.
fig 4
A trip to Kinsale, near Cork, Ireland
I once read a piece of fiction by Joe Brainard, titled “I Remember.”  In terms of formatting, it’s relatively simple. A collection of things he remembers. And while all of these things are personal and specific to Brainard’s life, often inside references to people or events you as a bystander cannot comprehend, you start to think about your own memories.  What it means to remember, how a single sentence can conjure up a whole vivid scene.
It’s like encrypting pieces of your life. Zipping up a couple hundred Word files so you know they’re all there when you want them later.
That’s how I think about Scotland.
fig 5
A stop along the highway in the Scottish Highlands
Study abroad is such a sprawling, all-encompassing event— you can’t just sit down and write about it as a whole. At least not in a way that would do it proper justice. I think most of us come across this issue around friends and family who ask that horrible question, “How was study abroad?” and expect us to summarize six months of intense personal growth and world travel. I’ve resorted to spewing superlatives until they nod, satisfied. One does not simply summarize study abroad.
fig 6
Isle of Skye with the Scottish flag!
For now, the most I can do is remember the pieces. Clips of conversations, images I’ve saved in my mind and on my iPhone’s desperately full camera roll.
Now, in the style of Joe Brainard, I want to give you some of these pieces.
I remember the color blue. I remember it in the sea and in the sky. I remember blue next to yellow gorse bushes dotting endless hills of the best shades of green I’d ever seen. I remember the strange light of the city, the brilliant grey stones of the buildings, old and so present in the moment.
fig 7
Isle of Skye
I remember walking. Walking for hours to reach the sea. Taking the long way back. Walking through the city, aimless, aware, listening to “Home” by Dotan and feeling the wind (so much wind). I remember telling ourselves the peak of that hill was only a few more steps away, then spending the next hour trying to reach the top of it. I remember walking each day until I found somewhere I’d never seen before.
fig 10
Best sunrise of my life (Arthur’s Seat)
I remember hiking Arthur’s Seat at every time of day, including four in the morning after having stayed up all night to catch the sunrise from the top of it. I remember the thirty-minute train ride to North Berwick, our favorite little seaside town. I remember exploring the ruins of countless castles and familiarizing myself with dozens of train stations in small Scottish towns.
fig 11
Arthur’s Seat during the day!
I remember how in the beginning, I felt alone and wondered if I’d forgotten how to make friends. I remember how anxiety fell off in layers like bark, and how wonderful it was to be a stranger among so many friendly people. I remember the last week. Days of leaving, of giving hugs we knew would have to last for an undeterminable amount of time. I remember how happy I had become there.
I remember these things with an ache— sometimes a happy ache, sometimes just an ache. Sometimes I dream I’m back on the streets of Edinburgh. I try to piece together what home means, now that my soul is scattered over two different continents. But most importantly, I remember.
fig 12
Sunrise over Arthur’s Seat, Edinburgh
meek hshot


Loch Ness, Inverness
Cheers,
Caroline Meek


This post was originally published on the Iowa Honors blog.


Friday, January 11, 2019

where I've been, where I'm going (2018-2019)



So... I'm currently about to fly over the Atlantic Ocean.

9:26pm CST
January 9, 2019. 
USA

I haven't spoken about this on my blog yet, but I'll be studying abroad this semester in Scotland! This is the second semester of my second year of university, and I've been accepted to a study at the University of Edinburgh.

But what's been happening leading up to this? Where have I been all semester? This past fall was wild. I'm still processing it – a few days ago, I wrote 4,000 words in my journal trying to wrap my head around the last five months – but it was amazing.

I took some amazing classes. Publishing, philosophy, entrepreneurship, international literature, and a writing education course where I taught creative writing workshops for middle school students.  I can't explain how much I loved these classes, and how well they fit together. This fall was also the time I was in the middle of publishing Project Canvas, and guess which of these classes apply to that project? Basically all of them. It was exactly what I want my college experience with courses to be and more: interesting, relevant to my passions, applicable to my daily life, and taught by some incredible instructors.

I published a book. Along with with one of my best friends, Olivia, and a global community of other young writers. Project Canvas was in the works for two years, and we published it on November 15th, 2018!  And it's not over. We're continuing to connect writers around the world through the book and the blog (where you can submit a practical or inspirational article). Getting to know the 90+ Project Canvas contributors and editors and promoters and the rest of the team has been...an experience that's shaped the last two years, and the direction of my future, most likely.  I learned so much about communicating with people, how to create real, high-quality work, and how to stay (mostly) sane while managing all the behind-the-scenes that goes into publishing a book. I understand more of what draws me to the publishing industry, and what parts bore or even frustrate me (@formatting, you're terrible but also kind of addicting?). In the end, Project Canvas has had a huge impact on my life and it continues to be an incredible blessing.

I worked multiple jobs. Like four, if you count "Publisher/Head Editor of Project Canvas" as a job, which you probably should.  I also worked on editing/formatting/publishing an ESL curriculum as a freelance job (that was just published this morning, actually! We love doing things right down to the wire). I continued to work as an usher at the local auditorium, which resulted in me getting paid to watch the Broadway show Les Miserables three and a half times in one week. 10/10 would recommend working at a theatre.

One of the best parts of fall 2018, however, was the Iowa Writers' Workshop. I starting working here at the beginning of the semester as an office assistant. It's surreal to work at a place I dreamt of for years (the Workshop is a renowned MFA program for poetry and fiction, and one of the reasons I ended up in Iowa in the first place), and I really enjoy being around all the people there (shoutout to Deb and Jan–if you're reading this, don't let the plants die while I'm gone! ;))

All in all...it was a lovely semester. It may have been the busiest semester of my life, but I wasn't as overwhelmed as I normally would have been with the level of stress I was under. Gotta mention my amazing friends. This semester, they watched sunsets with me, had many deep and hilarious conversations, played hours and hours of games, and were the best friends I could ask for.  So now, 2019 is starting, and though I'm leaving the fall semester behind, I know I'm going to remember it as one of the best in my life.

2 0 1 8  I N  A  N U T S H E L L 

reading goal: 30 books // Actually read: 30 books!

favorite book read: rude of myself to make me choose just one. I choose to rebel. Some of my favorite books were Rainbow Rowell's Carry On and Leigh Bardugo's Six of Crows duology!

places travelled: the middle of Missouri (Spring break trip!), Wisconsin (Ultimate Frisbee tournament) Chicago (Hozier concert that I didn't go to), New Mexico (family vacation)

number of identity/life/existential crises: probably over 2345678, but that's okay.

amount of deep self-discovery and change: a lot!  I'm becoming a more chill person, going with the flow, and figuring out how to live my life in a way that's best for me and those around me. The biggest revelation that shouldn't have been a revelation: I'm still an introvert and I need a lot more alone time than I'd guess.

words for the year: peace. turmoil. love. fear. joy. doubt. trust.

this year in writing: in 2017, I finished a novel. This year, I've mostly just been writing poetry and exploring the creative non-fiction genre. Lots of sporadic journaling.

overall rating: 12/10.  This year was so good to me. It was up and down, often heartbreakingly confusing and painful, but it was a beautiful year of a lot of loving and growing and learning.


2 0 1 9  G O A L S 

book challenge: 45 books this year
daily reading: read a page a day
mind: meditate for 15 minutes a day
body: do yoga daily when possible. weekly runs.
heart: trust God with your life, trust yourself with your emotions, 
reconnect with the Bible, LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE OTHERS
food: less meat, more environmentally friendly food.
also have fun with cooking for yourself! be healthy, child.
vague: write more letters. less electronic, more paper. 
keep listening to amazing music.

Now that you're all caught up with my life....

I'm going to Scotland!
It feels surreal. I think I'm officially flying over Canada right now, according to the high-tech video display on the seat-back in front of me. It also tells me I'm 39000 feet in the air, that it's -42.7 °F outside, and that I have 2840 miles left. Five hours till London.

While I've travelled internationally before, this is my first time traveling solo, ever! The day is going remarkably well. After boarding, I discovered that the plane is 85% full of a group of students going to a study abroad university in London!  And 5 out of the six students in my immediate vicinity are theatre students. Wow. It's like being in college. Except in the air. Air college. Anyway, it definitely eased my nerves because 100 students crammed into rows of seats? Very familiar. They don't feel like strangers in the same way that fellow plane-goers do. The girl behind me keeps laughing abruptly at a movie I can't hear, the girl next to me has a cute unicorn sticker on her phone, and some of them are even from the state of Iowa. Blessed.


I don't quite know what's gonna happen when I land in London, and eventually reach Edinburgh later tomorrow. (Like, I know where I'm going.) But...will my brain explode? Will it seem normal?  Will I be incredibly jet-lagged? These are the things no one knows. But I shall soon know, and I'll be here shortly with more (Scotland-related) pictures and accounts from what I'm guessing is going to be another wild, wildly-amazing semester.

In case it wasn't mildly apparent, this blog shall be somewhat transformed into an account of my travels for the duration of this semester. If you read this blog regularly, you should already know that I'm consistently inconsistent, and you never know what you're gonna get. So this shouldn't phase you at all. But I'll still be writing about writing (I hope to start a longer project while abroad), and probably talking some about books. I started Stephen King's On Writing on the last flight, which I've been wanting to read for foreeeever, so you might hear about that. And if this post is long, it's cause I haven't been writing much lately and I guess there was a lot to process! Woo! Write what you need to write, kids!

If you want to keep up with my music tastes during this semester, go follow my Spotify playlist!  This is how I organize my music. I just spend a few months, or even years, throwing songs into a single playlist, until I get tired of scrolling to the bottom to find my recent adds. They're usually songs that I have on repeat for a few days, then look back over fondly for the rest of the year.

Thanks for being around for my wild times!
Caroline

How was your year? What are you looking forward to in 2019? Have you been to the United Kingdom? What would you recommend doing/seeing? And a question that might benefit me: what do you do when you want to write, but don't have ideas?