Sunday, August 6, 2017

Feeling Alive

Sometimes, if I hold still for long enough,
or look at something really closely,
or breathe in deep enough,
I can feel myself living.

It’s really hard to explain.  

Most of the time, I feel like I live inside my head.  There’s a lot of thinking and analyzing and planning for the future, I guess?  I exist mostly in my thoughts.  For this reason, I end up feeling kind of distant sometimes.  Like the world is this thing that I have to actually reach out to in order to interact with. I don’t actually live in it.  

Maybe everyone’s brain is like this, whether they write entire blog posts about it or not. Maybe it’s just an introverted, INFJ, writer-penguin-Caroline thing.

Then, there are distinct times when I actually feel….alive.  

Usually, it’s a certain smell or image that does it.  It’s a little moment of ‘enlightenment’ or awareness that lasts just a second or two.

/ / the smell of rain / /
/ / staring at a forest. a whole forest. / /
/ / the smell of wood and old window sills / /
/ / fall and spring / /
/ / a song you used to know by heart, and maybe still do / /
/ / fresh snow / /

Fall is the best time for this feeling.  There’s so much ‘life’ in the air, somehow. Sometimes I can smell Fall as early as late July.  It’s like I filter out that little hint in the air, and my soul remembers it and I just get really happy.

Most of the time, it’s a really random thing. Something that gives me sense of nostalgia for memories that make me feel like I’m living in my childhood again, when I didn’t live in my head so much.

I’m not sure why I wrote this post, exactly, other than to put this feeling into words.  It came nowhere near capturing the feeling, but I wrote it down anyway.  It feels so good to feel...alive.

Do you ever feel this feeling of 'aliveness' or awareness? What's your favorite season - and have you been able to smell Fall yet? I promise I will finish that Identity series soon oops xD

(PS I just switched my comment system from Discus to the original Blogger comments, because people were mentioning that it wouldn't let them comment. So please let me know if you have problems with it! I think it deleted lots of old comments on other posts *sad faceeeee* but hopefully it will let more people start commenting again. -.- )