Saturday, June 11, 2016

Voicemail: Folks, Always Name Your Rubber Duckies.

I'm sorry, but Caroline is not here to write a blog post today.  She has been abducted by a suspicious character clothed in black (probably one of her own) and taken to an undesirable place (probably some dungeon she intended for somebody else).

After that, her captor likely proceeded to feed her nothing but a nasty and unsustainable substance resembling food that was meant for long, boring journeys or torture.  If Caroline has not perished by the claw of resident Minotaurs along the way, she will be detained for only a few years - nothing more than she has done those she created.

Do not let this act of revenge worry you, however.   Unruly book characters plague even the best of writers.  Especially the best of writers, in fact, for they typically get you to like their book by causing you to form attachments to their characters, then inflicting damage on anyone you might have remotely been fond of.  In these cases, revenge comes two-fold - from both the characters, and their legions of lovers.

If you have an urgent need to contact Caroline immediately, you may send a message via glass bottle.  Drop it in the Aegean sea, and it should reach her in Crete in about twenty years.

If you need a slightly faster method, her current address is:

00 West Cave By the Wall
APT #5, Labyrinth Corridor
Cestia, Mygyia 234897.7*

This address, however, has changed at least five times a day since she arrived at her undesirable location, so beware of shipping difficulties due to the dreaded "NO SUCH PERSON EXISTING HERE" error.

Her phone number, if it has any signal at the moment and hasn't caught on fire yet, is:
Call now for a free consultation with a psychic rock!  Only $99.99, and only $99.98 if you let a friend eavesdrop on this once-in-a-lifetime session.

Thank you for so faithfully checking this blog for recent news!  As Caroline's personal assistant, I will wait until she is released from her punishment, and then promptly relay all of your wonderful concerns and comments.

So now you know the real reason Caroline is so inconsistent with her blog posts.  In fact, this is reason most authors seem so repulsive reclusive sometimes.  Character torture. Their past decisions in literary works often catch up with them.  And they do not come bearing donuts.  And they are not adorable penguins (vicious penguins, perhaps).  If you are an author reading this, remember - today is National Be Nice To Your Poor Babies Day.  Probably.

Please leave a message at the sound of the wind whistling like a too-quiet herald of the end of death and the beginning of gentle spring, with your own blogs and foolish writing misjudgments toward characters.  Also include your zodiac sign and the name of your first rubber ducky.**

Thank you.

*sounds of wind whistling like a too-quiet herald of the end of death and the beginning of gentle spring*


 *Numbers are approximate.  We are not responsible for shipping difficulties due to wrong estimations of the recipient's location.

*If you have the misfortune to never have owned a rubber ducky before, or have been stupid enough to not name your rubber ducky, you may make up an imaginary name at this moment. 


  1. Oh my gosh! XD Be safe, Caroline! You can survive this.

  2. This is officially my favourite post explaining why people aren't posting and IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH! XD That said, I'm very sorry to hear about Caroline's unfortunate situation. No doubt a good apology to the poor characters will go a long way!
    Enchanted by YA

    1. AAAHHHHH THANK YOU! xD I think I'll try that, actually.