are you living your life like a second person narrative?

hey you

you're really free

you're more free than you think you are.

with the exception of stealing a dragon or raiding a candy store (in this example, those two probably aren't mutually exclusive), you can do just about whatever you want.

are you stuck?

have you arrived at the universe and found a one way sign? pointing back the other way? you're pressed up against a fence. you're breathing too hard in zero gravity and it's really dark.

you've come to the only conclusion and it's disappointing to you.  this is a black and white script. you thought you were the author but you're the stage directions. you don't get to decide where you're going.  

are you living your life like a second person narrative? 

the thing is: you weren't born with an instruction manual.  but you picked one up along the way, anyway, and now you're stuck and now it's your religion. 

society is writing your book in second person, future tense, and you think you're the protagonist. 

WAKE UP

what if there isn't an ending?

what? 

artwork by Tim Andrew

i mean, what if you aren't working towards some predetermined goal. what if this isn't a hero's journey? what if there's no pressure on you to perform, no goal for you to reach at the end of the day what if you aren't a character in this book at all?

i'm not saying you aren't a hero.
you are magic. 
you are everything powerful and i believe in you. 

i'm saying:
stop writing poetry that rhymes
metaphorically
stop answering rhetorical questions 
there is no peak to your mountain
and if there was, you'd never know when you reached it

you aren't trapped between two covers. this isn't a fairytale.
and before that sounds like something tragic, like i'm destroying your childhood, stop for a moment and think:

you are more than fiction. 
you have more than one possible ending.
you don't have to follow a script.
it's okay if you forget all of your lines.

if you want to, you can write the fairytale. 

and what am i saying, actually?

i'm telling you to believe in yourself.  i'm telling you to trust that if you take a step out onto a metaphorical bridge built of dreams and passion and hard work and possibly unicorn poop, that bridge is going to hold your weight. 

i'm saying, go for that dream job. go to college and study whatever the heck you want to learn. go backpacking this weekend.  open infinite doors.  go buy a cute lil flower plant, and keep it alive the best you can.  discover there weren't infinite doors– 

just infinite doorways.

do things that matter to you.  because if what you're doing doesn't matter to you, there's no one else for it to matter to.  everyone can do stuff fulfill themselves. it's not up to you to reach someone else's happy quota. 

that's not how happy quotas even work, silly. in the end, you care the most about your own path, and you're the only person who can get yourself to where you want to be.  

it's not too late. it's not ever too late. just look in the closest imaginary mirror and say to yourself, hi self, i believe in you. 

bam. from now on, you're doing this. whatever you wanted to do (minus the dragons and the candy story), you're doing it.

you're so much more free than you thought you were. 

i believe in you too

 – cm ♥

the problem with "i can do anything"

I realized something recently.

For the most part, I grew up believing that I could be whatever I wanted to be. If I could dream it up, I could do it. And I followed that to college, where I'm studying Creative Writing and figuring out how to balance dreaming and working hard to make those dreams happen. It's going pretty well.

Except for one thing.  I think I'm invincible.  I operate like I can do anything and more importantly, everything, and that expectation makes it really hard to say 'no' to things. It makes it hard to take breaks, and it makes it hard to justify giving less than 100% at any given moment.

People...have been trying to explain this to me for a long time. If you're one of those people, you might be reading this post and saying "geez wow yay she's finally is starting to figure it out".  Yup. :) And thank you. Thanks to every single person who's ever told me to take a break, to slow down, and that I deserve rest. I know I've been...resistant. xD

What I've realized is this: I'm often told: "You can't do it all" or "You can't do everything". And my brain logically fires back that yes, I can do it all, what are you talking about.  It goes like this:

Me: *overwhelmed*
Person: wow, you seem overwhelmed. you should take a break.
Me: wat
Person: you're doing too much, pls stahp
Me: BUT NO I MUST DO EVERYTHING
Person: but no yeah i think you're doing too much
Me:
Me: no such thing

[repeat conversation for a decade, insert a new person every year or so]


I think I'm invincible.

And ironically, that's done me a lot of damage.  The thing is, humans are resilient. We adjust to pain, we survive against all odds – while we might suffer, we can go through a lot before we crash. My logic has always been that yes, I can do just about anything. I'm still alive and breathing, right?  I rarely find a limit, so I just keep adding stuff in as long as it fits into my obscenely busy schedule. As if time conflicts is the only limit. I keep saying yes to commitments, telling myself that I can do it, so I should.

Tonight I realized that there's a second part to the phrase "you can't do everything". That second, implicit half is vital.  

You can't do everything and be okay at the same time. 
You can't do everything and be peaceful.
You can't do everything and keep up your mental and physical and emotional health.
You can't do everything and stay passionate about it all.
You can't do everything without sacrificing something very important. 

I realized that if I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, all the sacrifices that happen to make it possible...aren't really worth anything. Maybe I'm blasting through each day with an insane level of productivity and success and ambition. But that kind of thing needs fuel. And if I'm not taking breaks, that fuel comes straight from other places, like my mental health.

So...yes. I can do everything. 

But not without making heavy sacrifices. 

I used to be okay with the side effects of a busy, constant life.  I wouldn't let depression, anxiety, or exhaustion be excusing for slowly down.  Now, I'm starting to realize that I don't want to sacrifice myself for this cause anymore. I want to be okay with resting. I want to find success and happiness in taking care of myself, instead of just reaching the day's finish line with the longest list of accomplishments.

I want to find balance.

–Caroline ♥

Are you invincible? In which parts of your life are you pushing yourself too hard?  Take a breath today. Maybe you can do 'everything', but that doesn't mean you should. No one is asking you to do that.